Hope
Fandom: Rent
Rating: PG
Word Count: 382
Notes: Blame this on obsessive re-watching of the trailer.
December twenty-fourth, a little after nine pm, Eastern Standard Time, and Roger is alone in the apartment. Again.
He knows he should feel guilty about the worry he heard in Mark’s voice before he left, the words, “You have to get out of the house” echoing in his head for what seems like the hundredth night in a row.
He should feel guilty, but he doesn’t, just like he knows Mark is right, that he does need to get out of the house, but he doesn’t do anything about that either.
He should care more, but he knows he hasn’t cared about anything in a long time. He didn’t let anything or anyone get close to him during six months of withdrawal, since even before that.
Not since the day he arrived home to find April’s note, succinct and to the point – “We’ve got AIDS.”
Not since he turned to find the bathroom door half closed, steam and silence billowing from within.
April always sang in the bath.
Every time he walks into that bathroom, just for an instant, he sees her, sees her blood, and he knows it should hurt him, should tear him apart inside.
But between the withdrawal and the grief and the AZT, the only thing he feels is frustration, because the one thing he was always good at, the only thing he has left, is writing music, and now he can’t even do that.
He’s trying to write one great song; right now, he’d settle for one half-decent
chord.
A knock at the door interrupts his thoughts, and he resists the urge to grind his teeth, striding to wrench it open. “What’d you forget?” he demands, sure it’s Mark, and he stops dead when he sees long dark curls, a shy smile, big brown eyes blinking at him curiously.
For a second, she looks like April, then the moment fades, though he’s sure he’s seen her somewhere before. Then she extends her hands to him, and he sees she’s trembling, that she’s holding a candle.
“Got a light?” she asks, and in that instant, though he’s not sure why, for the first time in far too long, Roger feels something.
It’s a thrill of hope.
It would scare him half to death if he wasn’t already there.